Anna Marie Tendler, the ex-wife of comedian John Mulaney, detailed the moments after she checked herself into a mental health facility in an excerpt from her upcoming memoir, Men Have Called Her Crazy.
Editor’s note: The below story contains discussion about suicidal ideation, eating disorders and self-harm.
In the excerpt published by Elle on Tuesday, July 23, Tendler, 39, recalled the hospital staff taking her suitcase and interacting with members of the check-in staff.
“They are warm, but not too warm, hardened from years of dealing with bulls–t from patients who check in against their will, who are angry to be here, and who take their anger out on the first line of duty,” Tendler shared. She noted that the employees “quickly accommodate their approach” based on each patient.
“If you, like me, have chosen to be here, are relieved, even happy to be here, they will speak to you in soft voices, ask you if you’re comfortable, and offer you snacks,” she recalled. “I only accept a paper cup of water.”
Tendler added that she held back tears while explaining that “intense suicidal ideation, self-harm, disordered eating” had brought her to the facility. “The nurse then assesses me for suicide risk,” she wrote.
Remembering the conversation, the nurse asked Tendler if she “thought about taking [her] life in the past 48 hours,” if she has “the means to carry out this plan” and if she’s been experiencing “feelings of worthlessness.” Tendler answered “yes” to all three questions.
“On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the greatest, how great is your desire to die?” the nurse asked. Tendler replied, “Eleven.”
Tendler explained to readers that her decision to check into the facility came “on the recommendation of my therapist” who “was at a loss for what to do with me.”
“I arranged ahead of time to stay in the women-only house because I absolutely refuse to be around men,” Tendler continued. Her therapist warned her that the medical team would be “mostly men” with only “one female social worker.”
While speaking with a male psychologist, Tendler shared her past “consensual” sexual experiences with older men when she was underage. One part of her conversation with the doctor revolved around a suicide note.
“I wanted to die, but I cut myself instead, and that cutting wasn’t meant to kill me,” she explained, noting that she was looking to “relieve my pain.”
Reflecting on the “absurdity” of the note she wrote, Tendler told readers it was full of “self-involvement” along with “venom and rage.”
However, there were also undertones of “deep depression,” along with “worthlessness and anxiety,” she added.
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“I was a woman losing her grip on a life I was holding so tightly to,” she recalled. “Consumed by embarrassment at the note’s contents, I ripped it into tiny pieces the following day and scattered it into various garbage cans inside my New York City apartment.”
Following her discussion with the psychologist, Tendler recalled looking for a snack.
“I have not eaten much in the past seven months, but in truth, I do not like not eating. I feel like s–t all the time — tired, weak, nauseous from my stomach trying to eat itself,” she added. “I know it’s doing nothing to help my mental health, but I find comfort in how bad not eating has made me look.”
She eventually landed on a bag of Doritos before the nurse took her vitals.
“Do you have a hope or a goal in mind for your stay here?” the nurse asked. Tendler responded, “My wish for myself is that one day I’ll reach a place where I can face hardship without trying to destroy myself.”
Tendler was previously married to Mulaney from 2014 to 2021.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder, visit the National Alliance for Eating Disorders website or call their hotline at +1 (866) 662-1235. Text “ALLIANCE” to 741741 for free, 24/7 support.
